You can find the original post, Part 1 of “Confessions of a Not-So-Perfect Mom” here.
I confess, I may be one of those “crazy moms.”
I sometimes have problems addressing “issues…”
—
“Yes, I’ll have an ice water and (said in a hushed voice) an
… M …
… I …
… L …
… K?”
Across the restaurant table the waitress looks at me like I’m C.- R.- A.- Z.- Y!
“Excuse me?… ” She finally says with a look of confusion.
No. I’m not crazy!
Yes. I did just spell the word “milk” when ordering it for my daughter (who was 20 months at the time this happened).
Why? Because had I said the word “milk” she would have instantly started screaming due to it not immediately being placed in front of her.
Consider this spelling technique to be like “mommy morse code.”
(Seriously, why don’t servers know this?!?)
But instead of understanding, I got back a blank, “are-you-crazy?” stare from the obviously childless waitress.
Every family has issues. I’ll confess, Milk (or M.-I.-L.-K.) was one of ours.
Have you ever been at that point as a mom? You know, to the point where in the scheme of things, correcting a bad habit of your child’s (or your own!) just isn’t worth the pain it might take to actually “fix” the problem?
Avoiding an issue is one thing, but giving in to an issue is a whole different ball game.
All Too Often Occasional Not-So-Perfect Parenting Inconsistencies
Asking for M.-I.-L.-K. doesn’t really allow me to address the issue of my baby learning better patience. But really, as I mentioned above, not saying the word milk when trying to enjoy a rare dinner out at a restaurant just wasn’t on my high list of parenting problems to “fix.” And… well… at least I was consistent with how I dealt with it… right?
Other times, I waffle…
—
“Moooommmmmm…” says my sweet, middle child to me at any given moment throughout the day. “Can I have a snack?”
Side Note: I have a love/hate relationship with snacks. Especially when it comes to my 5-year-old, snack-obsessed middle child.
We have set specific “snack times” at our house in an attempt to be deliberately consistent… yet for some reason, my son still asks for a snack throughout the day. And I have to believe he is consistent with his “snack-asking” because I am inconsistent with my “snack-administering.”
As much as I try not to give in to hungry, cute kids, when you get asked the same thing over and over AND OVER all day long, there is bound to be one time when you falter.
My daily snack inconsistency with my son looks and sounds something like this:
- 6:00 a.m.
Son: Mom, can I have a snack?
Me: No. Would you like Breakfast? - 8:30 a.m.
Son: Mom, can I have a snack?
Me: No. We just had breakfast! - 10:30 a.m.
Son: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: No. We’ll eat lunch in an hour. - 12:00 p.m. (Just after eating lunch)
Son: Momma, pleeeze can I have a snack?
Me: NO. You just had lunch!
Until the following happens:
- 1: 20 p.m.
Son: Mom? Can I have a snack?
(This time he mouths it softly as he holds a bag of pretzels up high.)
He caught me. I’m on the phone on an afternoon conference call for work.
I frantically wave my arm at him to leave and grudgingly mouth back to him: “Ooooo - Kaaay…”
And, I feel a little defeated.
I try to rationalize my parenting inconsistencies by weighing their importance. And at that point in the day, finishing my phone conference somewhat uninterrupted was more important than another snack argument.
It is a vicious circle though, because once I give in my kids know that they have a chance… and even though they seem to easily forget when I ask them to clean their rooms, they NEVER seem to forget that at one point I gave in and let them have a snack.
And still, a couple hours later way after my phone conference, and WAY after I am finished working I get asked the question again: “Mom? Can I have a snack???”
The Not-So-Perfect Parenting Theory on When to Say “No!”
Avoiding the issue, waffling and inconsistency in household rules – in theory, this drives me crazy!
In a perfect world, a perfect mom would attack every issue head on and remain consistent with all she says and does. Right?
In Theory.
But I am not a perfect mom. And I’m OK with that.
In fact, I have a parenting theory of my own… it is called moderation, prioritization and love.
My theory states that in the big picture it is all about my personal priorities as a parent, my ability to successfully pick and choose my inconsistencies in moderation, and my dependable displays of unconditional love for my children.
Along with the fact that often I do say no and often I am consistent - especially when it comes to a lesson that is at the top of my parenting priorities such as:
• You WON’T ride your bike without a helmet.
• You MUST stay in your car seat while we’re driving in the car.
• You WILL ask permission before going outside to play.
So, ok… I confess, I occasionally give in on a snack or look extremely a little crazy spelling M.-I.-L.-K. to a restaurant waitress. And I also confess that maybe just once (or twice?) I allowed my son to play his Nintendo DS a little longer than I intended so I could finish a somewhat rare conversation on the phone with a friend.
Perfection? No.
Crazy mom? Maybe???
Priorities? Yes… at least that’s what I aim for.
Leave a comment and share! Every parent has their own list of what’s important to them. What are your priorities as a parent? Do you ever catch yourself being inconsistent in your parenting techniques or just avoiding a problem all together? Or am I just that “crazy mom?”
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I loved this! I too have a chronic snacker who incidentally refuses actual meals or claims she’s no longer hungry once i’ve gone to the trouble to prepare an actual meal. I find much of my day is spent making snacks and i have the same feelings about them. But I also think you put it perfectly: it’s about priorities. No waffling on the rules that keep them safe, we can bend a little when it comes to the minor things and just making it through the day. And all they really need is that unconditional love. Thanks again for another great post Kate!
Love it >>> “Chronic snacker” … too funny!
So glad you liked the post. It is really all about priorities and unconditional love… well put!
Thanks so much for your comment Erin!
I feel you on this one Kate. You want to be consistent in rules and discipline but sometime’s it’s just not worth the fight. I’ve come to the conclusion that if it’s not something that could physically harm my child (crossing the street without permission, etc.) or isn’t incredibly rude behavior, I try to be a little more flexible.
If caving every once in awhile with an extra snack or five more minutes playing her Leapster Explorer makes me a pushover, then I’m a pushover. Sometimes you just have to learn to pick your battles!
Pick and choose your battles - This could have been the title of the post Tatum! I’ve always used this statement - way before EVER becoming a parent. After becoming a parent though, it had SO much more meaning!
Great Post Kate! I am totally with you on your top 3 priorities! My daughter HATES me for making her wear a helmet AND tennis shoes. I just love it when the little girl that visits down the street comes strolling up with her flip flops and no helmet on either a bike or a wobbly scooter and mine flips out because “She doesn’t have to…” That is when “good parenting” is in play! Some things we just have to stick to and there is a little wiggle room in say.. things like the snack department:)
It can be hard when different parents’ rules are different… I often find it very challenging when another kid is allowed to do something my kids aren’t… But, I find that if I stick to my guns on my rules that are our families “priorities” that eventually the kids don’t seem to ask much more about it. Thanks for your comment Julie!
I love the way you put it “pick and choose my inconsistencies”- it’s so true for me too - certain things are non-negotiable (seat belts for instance) and consistency is definitely the goal because it makes life easier in the long run- but it’s just not always possible, and I think each of us has our own list of “inconsistencies” we can live with and “non-negotiables” that stay firm. This parenting thing is a lot harder than it looks from a distance!
Way harder!!!!
It’s so true when I hear moms tell me: You have to pick your battles. I think it is so important to remain consistent, especially where safety is concerned. But the little things are hard to be so diligent about. Like this morning, my daughter wanted to use a roll of scotch tape on her own to hang crepe paper for her birthday party tomorrow. Normally, my rule is I hand out the little strips of tape. But this morning, I’m going on 3.5 hours of sleep, I gave in and let her do it on her own (surprisingly, she did fine with it!). When I’m completely worn down it’s hard for me to stay firm.
In moments when I do hold firm and say no about important things (not safety related), it is hard on me to see my little ones get so upset but I also feel good about being firm for them. I always explain it too by saying this is how I learned when I was growing up. Every child has to learn what is right and wrong, what is okay to do and when. Hearing this helps my daughters understand why they can’t have something or do something or say something. They still usually fuss though
It is surprising what our kids can do well if we give them a chance (Responsible usage of scotch tape
LOL).
In all seriousness though, it is such a good point that I didn’t mention in this post - that of being completely worn down and how it sometimes effects your “firmness” levels as a mom. I find this is also true with me. I never realized how important a good nights rest was until after experiencing parenting with NO sleep! (or a lack of it.) Thanks for sharing your thoughts Kim.
In an attempt to try to change my 4 year olds extreme spoiled ways, I have been learning how to say NO to buying her something every where we go. I love to bring my daughter to different zoos, museums, events etc and of course getting a toy or somthing to remember it by….but i started noticing that all she cared about WAS the toy from the gift shop. So little by little I have been telling her NO when she asks each time….and it’s hard because of course I am tempted to buy her a cute little gift. We shall see how this goes………
BadOld habits die hard! It’s funny how what we once thought of as a “tradition” (such as buying a “souvenir” when visiting a special place) can become burdensome and evoke a negative lesson/response. Staying firm on “No” can be SO hard. Yet once a lesson is learned (in your instance that your daughter can’t get a souvenir at every outing) sometimes I find that I can occasionally start to say “yes” again. When I can start picking and choosing these times and my kids “get” that they don’t always get something - this is when I feel like saying no has been successful. Thanks so much for your comment and sharing of your story!